I’m that Indigenous boy whose dad left when I was just four years old.

He left without a word and literally disappeared from my life. My mom left shortly after and I grew up with relatives. Quickly aunts and uncles became mom and dad.

When I was 16 years old, I moved out of my reservation and moved a the big city in pursuits of a better life through sports.

I remember at 8 years old I had this moment where I looked at my current life and didn’t like that I had a broken family. I didn’t like that my Mom & Dad didn’t stay with me.

It definitely caused some traumas that later I worked on.

  • I felt like I wasn’t worthy of love because if my parents left they probably didn’t love me and if they did they would stay
  • I felt like I did something wrong
  • I was jealous of other families where their family had their mom & dad

But at that moment at 8 years old, I made a decision I was going to break these cycles and make sure when I started a family that I would do everything so my kids never felt this way before.

We didn’t grow up rich and at the same time we didn’t grow up poor. There were moments of poor situations but never destitute.

I Found Many Dads Not Having My Own

As I grew up, I’ve had men step into my life and take on the role of a father figure.

For this I feel very grateful.

Not men who started dating my mom, but just men who took me under their wing and maybe saw something where they wanted to help or be there.

It’s also a kinship value we hold as Indigenous peoples. People adopt people and take them in and treat them like their own.

At many times uncles and grandparents become a father figure.

Men Need Men to Teach Them How to Be Good Men

Looking back it would of been easier if I had a good solid male role model to be in my life. I found that later on in life and it has helped me so much as a man.

Because there was not a consistent person in my life for that, and to fill the void, I looked to music.

As a teenager I listened to a lot of rap music. People like 2pac and Notorious BIG and Hot Boyz.

These guys I would look up to and think that was life was about. They threw money in the air in music videos, drove nice vehicles, and had beautiful women around them.

They were people of colour.

I could relate to a lot of their upbringing and challenges they were dealing with. I wanted their life.

Later on I didn’t know what I was being taught. Especially with the idea around women.

Here is what the music taught me about women:

  • They called women – bitches, hoes, sluts, etc
  • They made women to be looked at as sexual objects for a man’s pleasure
  • Disrespected women in general

When I finally got into a serious relationship, I didn’t treat my wife well because this is what I was teaching myself through these male role models.

I had to go back and change the story that I fed myself for all these years.

This is why we need good healthy men to teach the new generation of men.

My First Real Role Model as a Man Was a White Man

When I started my family. I was a broken man.

I didn’t really know how to be a father.

I felt like I had no real references. I had some good men I had moments with with good qualities that I had to look back at memories to see what made them good men.

I decided to start a journey to figure out what a good man was and is. I needed to be a good man so I could show my son’s how to be good men.

I looked on YouTube to find some good advice from good men and I found a man by the name of Jim Rohn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fNa8SIzQfc

Jim Rohn taught me a lot.

His teachings taught me how to be a better man. How to be a better Powwow Dancer. How to be a better friend.

Some of his teachings:

  • If you want things to become better, you have to become better
  • If you want things to change, you have to change
  • Work harder on yourself than you do on your job
  • Life is like the blowing of the wind. It’s not the wind that determines where you end up in life, its the set of the sail. Learn to set a better sail.
  • Let me work on me for you, if you can work on you for me

I learned that the responsibility for me to become a better man, father, brother, nephew, was on me.

I don’t have to let my traumas define me as a man. I can stop the cycles and make sure I am the dad that I wish I had.

I started to read good books regularly. I started to go to more ceremonies. I learned how to love and respect women. I started to listen to audios that help me grow. I started to surround myself with other good men that I looked up to.

I Choose To Be a Good Man

My journey to becoming a better man was a tough one. I had to unlearn a lot of things.

I hurt a lot of people along the way because I wasn’t a very good man and needed to work on myself a lot.

As a shed off old skin and transform myself, I started to have better experiences.

Now my reality is full with good moments with myself and others.

  • My relationship with my wife is ever growing and beautiful
  • I now mentor a lot of young men
  • I have great friendships where we support each others growth
  • I make many mistakes and learn along the way

I continue to work on myself.

I choose to be a good man and know that I didn’t need my Dad to become the good man that I’m becoming. But I can be that man for my boys.

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